App-ily Never After: I Tried Looking For Love Offline
Despite an estimated 200 million digital daters worldwide, studies show we’re sick of soulless swiping - by Kathryn Madden
In the notes section of my phone I keep a list of men I’ve met on online dates. Matt The Twat; Annoying Vegan Cycle Boy; Jamie Nice No Spark; The Bearded Canadian (Bit Odd). It’s like a dot-form diary of my recent romantic encounters, most of them born on a lonely Sunday-night-in, glass of shiraz in one hand, phone in the other.
I arrived on the singles scene in 2015 with an aching heart and a lot to learn. “Nobody meets in real life anymore,” one friend told me firmly when I suggested a night out on the town, snatching my phone and clicking through to the app store.Seemingly overnight, dating apps had shifted from the desperate domain of the over-50s to the new normal. Every man and his dog were on Tinder – or every man and his sedated tiger, all dumb grins and flexed muscles bulging out of Bintang singlets. Initially hesitant, I got into the swing of it soon enough; window-shopping for boys from the comfort of your couch sure has its benefits, and amongst the beefed-up bodybuilders and BDSM buffs, there seemed to be a few potential suitors. I fronted up to my first online date with a healthy mix of hope and realism, aware that a chiseled jaw (in photos) and a bit of banter (via text) wouldn’t necessarily equate to chemistry or even amiability in the flesh. But on some subconscious level, I assumed I’d snag myself a good one – if not The One – before too long. After all, I have a clean record, wide smile and impeccable hygiene. Surely finding a match wouldn’t be that difficult.
I was wrong.
The reality was rife with rejection. I met men who seemed keen but never texted again; men who only wanted sex; men who were rude to waiters (red flag); men who flirted with waiters (double red flag). And perhaps worst of all: men who were perfectly lovely and available, but with whom I just didn’t click. Then there was a whole new dating lexicon to learn and live: “Netflix and chill”, I soon discovered, didn’t involve vegging out in front of Stranger Things; “ghosting” was when a love interest suddenly vanished from your life with zero explanation; and “zombieing” occurred when said ghost returned from the dead, sliding back into your DMs on an idle Wednesday evening. Recently, I was zombied by a guy I’d been chatting to on app-of-the-moment Hinge. He’d casually suggested a date then fallen off the face of the earth, only to reemerge four months later. “Hey stranger,” he wrote. “What happened to you?” I asked. “Nothing much, just some good old-fashioned app fatigue.”
It was perhaps the most profound two words ever uttered to me online: app fatigue. After the initial buzz around mobile dating – a world of romantic possibility right there in your pocket – we’re tired of soulless swiping. In a recent survey by the BBC, 37 per cent of respondents deemed dating apps the “least preferred” method for meeting a spouse. Complex algorithms now make it harder to make matches (unless you want to cough up for a premium membership), and despite tales of Tinder’s hot hook-up culture, research suggests millennials are actually having less sex than ever. But if we’re not searching for suitors on our smartphones, where are we going to find them? The last time I heard of a woman meeting her husband-to-be on a sweaty dance floor, she was grinding to “Gangnam Style” in a pair of Isabel Marant wedge sneakers. I guess that’s where I come in. My editor has challenged me to delete the apps and look for love offline. Goodbye, Hinge. Ta-ta, Tinder. Happn, I never really liked you anyway.
My colleagues are more excited about the experiment than I am, eagerly spurting out ideas and advice. Cycling clubs, one tells me, are a breeding ground for men – fit and virile types who care about the planet too. But I’m from the school of thought that you can actually forget how to ride a bike (I learnt the hard way on an unfortunate jaunt in Copenhagen), plus I’ve always been suspicious of men in lycra. Instead, in the name of group activities, I sign up for a salsa class. It’s fun and sexy with cool Cuban beats and more hip-swivelling than I’ve done in a while – though thanks to a heavily skewed gender ratio, I spend most of the lesson partnered up with Maria, an Italian nonna who keeps mixing up her left and right. The next morning I tag along to my neighbour’s testosterone-filled boxing gym. There’s no shortage of decent-looking men loitering around, but the only thing they’re checking out is their biceps. In a moment of panic, I gather the girls for a night out. The pub in Bondi is swarming with polo-shirted guys and pretty girls in snake-print skirts. Not that they’re talking to one another – this is Sydney, after all. Even back before the advent of dating apps it wasn’t the easiest place to meet new people, but the cliques and crowds have since become considerably harder to crack. Because really, why would a man put himself out there and approach a woman IRL when he could do it from behind the safety of a screen?
After a round of espresso martinis I’m determined to shake up the status quo and find myself sauntering over to a cute guy by the bar. Let’s call him Bondi Boy – though with his short dark hair and no-logo tee he’s the antithesis of the yogi-yuppie stereotype. I’m not quite sure how we start chatting, but I have a horrible inkling it’s with me squeaking, “You’re cute!” We banter for a bit before he asks for my number and I shimmy back to the girls, who are now madly downing shots of tequila. I awake the next morning to a heavy head and a pinging phone. It’s Bondi Boy: “Hey, want to meet up today?” I agree to an afternoon coffee date and wander down to meet him by the beach. He’s shorter than I remember, but my heightism is quickly cancelled out by his kind eyes and our easy connection. We grab hot drinks then sit on the sand, chatting and laughing under grey-streaked skies. Coffee rolls into drinks at a local bar, then dinner at my favourite Mexican restaurant. It’s one of those great first dates where time loses all meaning; the kind that makes you feel calm and jittery all at once. Bondi Boy walks me home and gives me his jumper when the chill sets in. And then, as fat raindrops start to fall, he grabs my face and kisses me. I feel giddy as I open the front door, and my phone beeps before I’ve even put my bag down. “Can’t wait to see you again.”
I have three main fears in life: ending up alone, elevator doors closing in on me, and speed dating. I’ve always physically recoiled at the mere idea of the latter, perhaps because it turns dating into a competitive sport. I like to win – yet after a series of failed online dates, you do start to wonder if you really suck at it. Tonight though, I’m letting go of my hang-ups and heading to an event organised by global matchmaking company MyCheekyDate. It’s also an opportunity for me to get over Bondi Boy. After three more (great) dates, he’s revealed he’s fresh out of an eight-year relationship and not ready for anything serious. I feel dejected, but also determined not to let it derail my experiment.
Notably, I scored the last female ticket to the event, which means I’ll have to go alone. I get a friend to drive me and turn up 30 minutes late, a strategic move to miss the awkward small talk at the start. Walking in, it looks like your typical Saturday night at a slick city bar, except on closer inspection I see that the boys are all sitting on one side of the long candlelit table, girls on the other. As soon as I start chatting to my first guy, a computer engineer called Evan, my nerves dissolve. It’s actually pretty easy; the seven minutes fly by so quickly you barely have time to introduce yourself before a host appears and quietly taps the man to move down the line (in a bid for subtlety, MyCheekyDate nights are void of stopwatches, bells and whistles).
Carrie Bradshaw once described first dates as “job interviews with cocktails”, and her words ring true here. Towards the end of the night, a burly Eastern European dater tells me he’s sick of sitting down and instead towers over me, firing questions and taking notes on his scorecard as I speak. But for the most part, the men are warm, interesting, even vulnerable. You can’t help but applaud them for putting themselves out there – leaving the house (and shelling out $35 for a ticket) already shows they’re more committed than the average sofa-bound swiper. Plus throughout the rapid meet-and-greet, you can instantly feel for chemistry, something even the techiest tech can’t account for (yet). So in that sense, it’s definitely more efficient than mobile dating.
I feel a hint of something with one guy, a Brit with a dry sense of humour. The next morning I get an email from MyCheekyDate letting me know that we’ve matched, and make a note to email him during the week. I back it up with another singleton soiree, Dating With Dogs, the following afternoon. It’s the brainchild of Tatum Brown, who wanted to bring together lovelorn dog-lovers while raising funds for animal rescue groups. Genius. I borrow my friend’s cavoodle, Toby, and rock up to the pub. There are dogs everywhere: stocky staffies and goofy golden retrievers and preened little poodles. Unfortunately, there aren’t as many men. Women seem to outnumber them five to one. It’s a common theme I’m witnessing throughout this challenge, and it may speak to the fact that guys are just less socially organised than women. But it also suggests they don’t feel the same pressure or desire to couple up.
I stand with a couple of other women and point out that the dogs seem more likely than us to get any action – one huge Pyrenees mountain dog keeps getting mounted by little mutts. But it’s not all bad news: I’m out and about on a bright Sunday afternoon playing with puppies and meeting new people. Face-to-face connection, whether romantic or otherwise, is a genuine benefit of this real-life-dating thing.
And it’s having an effect on me, I realise, as I stroll up the street to do some shopping that evening. Not only has my screen-time halved, but I feel altogether more open. More open to possibility, more ready to muster some words together if I do meet a potential beau on the street. More confident to … I’m jolted out of my daydreams in the dairy aisle. I can see Bondi Boy mulling over the cheese. Which would be all well and good, except for the fact that I’m wearing his jumper. I repeat: Wearing. His. Jumper.
My half-filled shopping basket practically falls out of my hand and I make a mad dash for the exit, unsure if Bondi Boy saw me, and unsure whether to laugh or cry. (For the record, that was the first time I’d worn his hoodie since he lent it to me on our date, grabbed randomly as I was running out the door.) That’s the thing about dating offline: for me it’s been tinged with disappointment and doubt, but at the very least, it’s provided some great fodder for my friends. And if I come away with a spin on the dance floor, a kiss in the rain and a major fear conquered, maybe, just maybe, it’s worth pursuing.
I pull out my phone and create a new page of notes to document my real-world dates. First entry: Jumper Boy. And an expanse of blank space just waiting to be filled.
While online dating has totally shed the stigma that was long attached to it, speed dating is still largely seen as a last resort for desperate singles who have failed everywhere else in the dating pool...for clueless men and women who naively think they're going to meet their Prince Charmings and Snow Whites in a Times Square hotel meeting room. At least, that's what I went into it thinking. I pictured a snaking line of dolled-up girls changing seats at a dinging bell in front of a small handful of awkward, overwhelmed men. Somehow, that wasn't it at all. In fact, speed dating may actually be NYC's best-kept dating secret.
I signed up for a Monday night event with MyCheekyDate (because what else was I going to do on a Monday night?), and found myself in the restaurant of the Hyatt Union Square. Inside, it looked more or less like a restaurant preparing itself for regular dinner service (dim lighting, candlelit tables), rather than the morose, clinical vision I had concocted of name tags, clipboards, and other trappings of business conferences. People filed in one at a time and checked in with the hostess, who cleared their name from a list and handed them a card for keeping track of dates that night. After I was sure enough that the people at the restaurant were there for speed dating, I rose from the bar, took a seat on the ladies’ side of the tables, and waited for my first prospective match made in heaven.
The rules of the road are fairly simple. Women sit on one side of the table while men rotate from seat to seat in front of them. Each “date” is five minutes long. After five minutes, the men move to the next seat, and so on. After every “date,” you write down that person’s name on the card and rank them based on how likely you’d be to date them again. At the end of the event, you pick the top people you were interested in and return the card. Should there be any mutual matches, the organizers of the event will put you two in touch. If there are no matches, you’ll never know who liked you and vice versa -- somewhat akin to Tinder.
Far from what I expected, the majority of guys I met were… normal. Even, dare I say it, interesting! There was the guy who just moved here from Texas who taught college courses online and was going to Venice for the summer because he could work from anywhere; the man who was raised by parents in the UN who spent his childhood in France, Morocco, Dubai, Rome, and about six other places; or the man who wasn’t physically my “type,” but who made me smile with his over-the-top laugh. The constant flow of visuals in front of my face was also kind of like swiping through Tinder... but better.
But here’s where speed dating is completely different (read: infinitely better) than Tinder and any other dating app -- it accounts for chemistry. On Tinder, there’s no way to judge mannerisms, tone of voice, height (very important in the online dating world), and really, overall personality. How many times have you found yourself on a Tinder date with someone who seemed great online, but in real life wore a ton of man jewelry and pawed at you all night asking why you’re so afraid of intimacy? (Not speaking from personal experience or anything.) Or, how many times have you fallen for someone’s personality in real life, but known that if you saw their photo on Tinder you’d definitely, brutally, swipe left? With speed dating, you’re getting snapshots-in-the-flesh of actual humans, along with everything about their personality that accounts for that little thing we all so desperately need in order for a relationship to work (again, chemistry). And worse comes to worst, if it’s awful, you know that in five minutes, it will all be over -- unlike that horrific Tinder date you went on last week that lasted an hour and a half because you were too polite to leave.
So who else is doing this? With MyCheekyDate, people are limited to the age bracket 24 to 38. Surprisingly, there were more men than women -- most of whom were young, professional, and new to New York. Everyone was gainfully employed, sociable (mostly), and somewhat attractive (again, mostly). The best part is that, drastically unlike Tinder, everyone there was actually looking for a relationship, or at the very least a second date. Of course there were a few oddballs, like the guy who was obsessed with his karate prowess and kept insinuating that his skills would come in handy to protect me on our pending second date. But that’s how it is in any social/dating situation, and I’m sure there’s a Pink Power Ranger out there who would swoon over his high kick. There was also the man (whose job I can’t remember) who openly admitted that he loved being able to talk people into paying more money for things that he knew they didn’t actually need. I’m guessing he worked in sales.
I didn’t end up meeting anyone special at speed dating, but I still felt like I’d tapped into this hidden sector of the NYC dating world. What makes speed dating in New York so interesting is part of what makes New York so interesting to begin with -- you’re able to meet people from all over the world, from different backgrounds, with all different kinds of careers, interests, and experiences (and best of all, they’re all right there, in one room, in front of you). You wouldn’t get that at speed dating in Kansas, and certainly not at a bar in Bushwick.
Meagan Drillinger is a contributing writer for Thrillist. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at @drillinjourneys.
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Before entering Yale, Violet Woodward Pu had achieved a perfect score on her SATs in the writing and literature section and had learned to speak Mandarin. Later, she became an editor of The Yale Daily News and graduated with a degree in film studies. But compared with those achievements, dating seemed a tougher climb. She had been raised in Augusta, Ga., where she was taught the old-school Southern notions of courtship. “My attitude was: I am a lady,” she said. “Men must ask me out and make the first move. I didn’t want anything to do with the college hookup thing.” She assumed that by 25 she’d be happily married.
When she moved to Los Angeles in 2007, Ms. Woodward Pu’s attempts at dating did not go well. She was hired as a production assistant on “Entertainment Tonight,” and after one failed relationship, gave online dating sites a shot. “My rules were: I will not give a ‘wink’ to anyone or say hello first,” she said. After that approach yielded few results, to mark her frustration, she came up with pet names for the sites she was frequenting. Match.com became “Match dot Wrong,” PlentyOfFish.com became “Plenty Off-ish” and OkCupid.com became “Subpar Eros.” She concluded that the men she had encountered online had not behaved as she wished because communicating by social media left them unaccountable.
The solution: She joined MyCheekyDate, a speed-dating service, so she could engage would-be beaus face to face.
But before she signed up, Ms. Woodward Pu, the middle daughter of a Chinese-American father, Dr. A-Wen Pu, a radiologist in Brownwood, Tex., and a mother, Kathryn Christine Pu, who is Caucasian and a retired lawyer, wanted to feel more prepared. So she worked up a set of pointed questions and even studied videos of speed-dating interactions on YouTube. One of those attending the Los Angeles event that night in 2010 was Deepak Jain, a first-generation Indian-American who was on the rebound from a broken engagement
Indeed, a match between Ms. Woodward Pu, 25, and Mr. Jain, 37, seemed unlikely. Mr. Jain was a forensic accountant at TM Financial Forensics in Los Angeles. Ms. Woodward Pu, who aspired to write her own television show, was then working at a television-information website. And their temperaments differed. But when Mr. Jain sat across from Ms. Woodward Pu, he found her the most attractive woman in the room. “She made me laugh,” he said. “She was so blunt: What school did you go to? What do you do for a living?” “I want to think angels descended,” Ms. Woodward Pu said. “But I was overwhelmed. I do remember he was well educated, well spoken and had a good job. And he was one of the only ones who asked me a few questions.”
At the end of the event, they ran into each other, and Mr. Jain suggested they remain at the meeting place’s bar. Ms. Woodward Pu said: “I was beside myself. Here’s a guy in the flesh willing to buy me a drink and treat me like I’m on a date.” Mr. Jain invited her to dinner at a restaurant that specialized in Korean barbecue. Ms. Woodward Pu put another check in the “yes” box: He liked spicy Asian food. Her only reservation concerned their age difference. “But what was I going to do?” she said. “Sit there and be mad at him for being older than me?” Over the next eight months, they were rarely apart. Together, they ate and cooked spicy Asian food, took long runs and went to New Hampshire to attend the wedding of one of Mr. Jain’s cousins.
In July 2012, after Ms. Woodward Pu’s roommate moved out, she moved into Mr. Jain’s rented Playa Vista condominium. “This caused a lot of friction,” Mr. Jain said. Ms. Woodward Pu wanted to get married and start a family. He wasn’t ready. “I’d come out of a four-year relationship where I’d been engaged,” he said. “I was gun-shy. She didn’t want to hear that.” Undeterred, Ms. Woodward Pu secretly purchased a wedding gown featuring a dense ruffle of ostrich feathers at the Loehmann’s store in Beverly Hills, Calif., and stashed it in the back of her closet. And there the dress sat and sat, which led her to post on her blog, Violet on Orange, “Flightless birds are so 2012.” A year passed, and then part of another. The couple traveled to Singapore, Hanoi and Prague. They swam in Capri and Kauai. Mr. Jain continued to give her other reasons to believe. During one trip to Barcelona, Spain, she recalled, Mr. Jain read a sign at Antoni Gaudí’s Sagrada Família stating that the seemingly unending construction on the church was to be completed by 2030. He casually stated that the two should plan to return for another visit after that.
And he insisted he loved her. “You see children doing wacky things with no boundaries,” said Mr. Jain, now 42. “She brings that kind of joy into my life: an excitement and creativity that comes out of left field. It was never a question of, is Violet the one? It was just, when?” Mr. Jain decided “when” was the day they had known each other for three years, Dec. 17, 2013. He booked a reservation at a chic restaurant, but he woke up feeling poorly. So he said if they ran together, he might clear his head. After he ran ahead of Ms. Woodward Pu, he circled back to her and doubled over, feigning a debilitating illness.
Ms. Woodward Pu was freaked out. She asked him if he was O.K. He said, she recalled: “I’d like to marry you. And I’m not O.K. until you say yes.” Then he got on his knees on the running path and offered up the ring.
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Two lucky daters who match the fastest at the event will win a “Speed Dream Date” where they are whisked away after the event by limo to enjoy a romantic dinner for two at Toro restaurant at the Scottsdale Fairmont Princess, all courtesy of Cox Arizona.
This event is open to the public. Anyone can sign up, yet you need to pre-register prior to the event to reserve your spot. To register and to learn more about the event, visit speedphoenixdating.com.
This event not only celebrates Valentine’s day, it also celebrates Cox Arizona’s 100 Days of Speed as a part of its 1G internet service rollout in the Valley. The 1G internet service, G1GABLAST, provides internet speeds 100 times faster than the average internet speed currently available in the U.S. today.
We pull up to STK and valet my car. This swanky restaurant / bar has been featured on Entourage, so automatically you know it will be populated with store mannequins dressed in the latest fashions, staring blankly at each other with plastic smiles and hollow souls. We saddle up at the bar and settle in. Soon it’s time for us to enter the adjoining lounge to begin our speed-dating. The host is a lovely young British woman who hands us our “score-cards.” The score-card has a rating system numbered one through five: one being “I’d fancy a go!” and five being “Not in a million years.” Did I mention that MyCheekyDate claims to be the “U.K. version?” No whistles or alarm clocks, just a British girl who gingerly taps you on the shoulder when it is time for us “blokes” to move on to the next “bird.” How “charming.”
I am sequestered to a table with some other guys, as a result of six girls not showing up to the event. It’s a sausage-fest, alright, and to bide my time while the rest of the lounge begins dating, I order another Jack & Ginger. I walk up to the host and ask her when I can expect to jump in the game.
“In a minute. Do you have a score-card yet?”
“Uh, yeah, you just gave me one.”
She looks at me, confused, and I realize not only doesn’t she remember me from moments ago, but that over her shoulder she is standing talking to another person. It takes me a moment to realize I am not already drunk and seeing double, but that she and her identical twin are hosting the event: “Woah, for a second there I thought I was seeing double,” I shake my drink in my hand, doing a lame Dean Martin impression. She looks at me with vacant eyes, bored with the fact that I exist.
Eventually, I am directed to Girl Number One of approximately fifteen. To describe each girl in detail would be a futile exercise for me and my friend Jack Daniels. But I can say that a majority of these girls are either Asian or Hispanic, with a few Jewish and Caucasians thrown in for good measure. The age-range was specified by the service as being 24-36 (prime coupling years) and they all appear respectable and educated, if not entirely head-turning. I am surprised, however, to discover that a majority of these girls are native Angelinos. Never before in my eleven years in this city have I encountered so many genuine female locals as I have now, and I try to figure out some sort of pattern. In addition, nearly half of these girls are either lawyers or in the process of becoming lawyers—what does it all mean?
I reach the end of the line and mark all dates as number fives, aka, “not in a million years”… except for Girl Ten. Call it a “lone impulse of spontaneity,” but if I had to choose any single girl from this bunch, it would have to be Sophie. Why the hell not? Let’s stay in the spirit of things. I hand my card in to one of the twins, efficiently weave my way to the bar and order another drink. As there are more men than women, I have time to kill for Sophie to finish her rounds.
“How’d you do, champ?” the female Puerto Rican bartender asks me with a smile.
“Sweet girls, but not for me. Besides, I’m here on assignment.”
“Oh? What for?”
“I’m a writer. This is for an article.”
She laughs and serves my drink, “Get out! I don’t believe you.”
The next evening I find myself neck-deep in this very article. I’m feeling inspired and confident…until now. I have no ending. No conclusive epilogue to wrap things up and make sense of being single in L.A. That is, until I receive an e-mail from an “Anoush” the owner of MyCheekyDate. Her e-mail is as follows:
Hi Marco,
I hope you had fun at STK last night and that Jade & Nikita took good care of you. I must say I found your Scorecard to be very sweet, as I know you brought Sophie along as your friend. She didn’t seem to be enthused about anyone at the event either, however I do not have a match for you. I am happy to help in anyway I can if you feel uncomfortable letting her know or asking her out on a date. If she is like me or most women, then she is probably completely oblivious to your affections. I am always available for advice. Let me know.
Best, Anoush
Needless to say this was an unexpected, and amusing, turn of events considering I was not expecting any e-mails from the service. How this woman could read so much into a score-card is beyond me. Anoush’s caring seems to go above and beyond the typical business owner’s, even if the business happens to be love. Despite the possibility of making things awkward between my colleague and myself, I feel inclined—as a dutiful journalist—to include this development as a humble summation of the event. The irony that the owner of the dating service e-mailed me personally to offer her support in pursuing the girl I walked in with, is not lost on me. Irony truly makes the world go round.
As the traffic roars around us, as we find ourselves divided and isolated in this giant neon mecca called home, I am convinced that the people of Los Angeles might not be so doomed, after all. We can choose to abandon these concrete islands with a little whiskey and a lot of faith. We can choose to reach out over the widening fault-lines and connect with each other.
How fast you want to go, is entirely up to you.
A few weeks back, I, along with a couple dozen other young professionals, was cordially invited to forget everything we’d ever been told about getting into cars with strangers.
The occasion was the Chevy Drive ‘N’ Date, a one-of-a-kind evening sponsored by General Motors and SpeedSeattle Dating. The evening’s premise was simple: Each lady hopped into her own GM car and was joined by a rotating cast of gentlemen. Think of it as a typical night of speed dating, only at 25 miles per hour. To see what I mean, watch the video above.
The night kicked off at downtown Seattle’s perennially cool Hotel 1000. Since no one ever truly escapes high school, the evening began with the ladies huddled together in one corner of the room and the gentlemen in the other. After some delicious appetizers (and a bit of liquid courage), a few bold folks broke the ice, and soon everyone was mingling. Once our hosts explained the way the night would run and introduced us to the super-secret scoring process, it was time to begin, and I was ushered into the 2014 Chevy Cruze. The loop we drove each time was a brief tour of familiar Seattle spots – Seattle Art Museum’s hammering man, the Hard Rock Café, Benaroya Hall and more. It was the dates themselves who were full of pleasant surprises. Some were speed-dating pros, others were newbies like me. There was an air traffic controller, a real estate manager and plenty of software engineers – it’s Seattle, after all.
And while the icebreaker questions provided seemed cheesy at first – for example, “What’s the sexiest thing about your car?” – they proved surprisingly revelatory. You learn a lot from the sheer confidence of a man willing to claim the sexiest thing about his car is, well, him.
The surprise MVP of the night was my driver, Steve. I jokingly asked him how the first date went, and he responded with honest, supportive feedback. From then on, conferring with him post-date became a ritual, and the evening was less intimidating with an ally in the front seat.
“Did I actually introduce myself?” he asked, just after my last date. “I’m Steve.”
“So nice to meet you, Steve. I’m—”
“You’re Lauren,” he interrupted. “Born in Nebraska, raised in Seattle, and Singin’ in the Rain is your favorite movie. I was just your chaperone on six dates. No introduction necessary!”
I laughed, thanked him, and said good night. Back inside the hotel, a few daters lingered, making plans for the rest of the evening. Some gathered on the deck of the hotel’s Boka Bar for drinks and late-night snacks, while others planned to finish the night guilty-pleasure style with Diet Cokes and Big Macs at McDonald’s.
I opted for quick round of good-byes, some last minute flirting, and one last cocktail for the road, and then I walked home, wondering which gentleman I’d get the chance to take for another spin.
Dating events for singles can be scary, but the speed dating game can be an efficient way to meet dozens of daters without spending a lot of cash.
The lights were dimmed low at Michael’s, an upscale restaurant and bar lounge located a block north of the Santa Monica Promenade as the staff from MyCheekyDate cheerily greeted guests — single men and women between the ages of 25 and 40. A woman wearing a tight green dress and high heels asked where she needed to go for the free makeover — really just a quick touch up of powder and lipstick — as others nervously clustered into gender-specific groups to make small talk as they waited for the series of mini dates to begin.
There are numerous speed dating companies operating in Los Angeles, but this one claims to provide UK-style speed dating. “Traditionally, speed dating has been held in coffee shops or venues that don’t exactly exude romance,” says Tina Allman, of MyCheekyDate. She says most speed dating events involve the use of cheesy name-tags and tacky bells or whistles indicating the next date transition. “We take a subtle, low-key approach with fabulous perks,” she said.
One guest, a woman in her early 30s, made a comment to her friend that the evening resembled a middle school dance with all the boys grouped together near the bar while the women huddled on the other side of the room, seated on couches or standing in the opposite corner. Those who were more outgoing formed a circle in the middle of the lounge area, chatting with the men or women to their right or left. One man even made a beeline to a particular woman he found attractive. Another woman was overheard recommending drinks to another woman over at the bar. “You probably don’t want to get anything fruity or chunky,” she advised. “You don’t want anything stuck in your teeth.”
Jordan Harbinger, who runs The Art of Charm, a Los Angeles-based charm school for men, says most guys use speed dating as a last ditch attempt when nothing else seems to work. He says he’s trying to change the stigma of speed dating in light of his own experiences and believes more men should try it.
“Any kind of dating event is a last resort for most men because of our egos,” Harbinger says. “Guys want to feel like a lady’s man [not a dud]. But really, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s a solid way for a guy to approach a woman without the pressure because he doesn’t have to break through any shields or barriers — the women are expecting to meet new men.”
A MyCheekyDate event works like this: During the check-in, each participant receives a date scorecard with a number. The men rotate between the women for four-minute “dates” before moving on to the next. On the back of the scorecard are columns for the men and women to write in the names of their dates and assess their interest level based on five criteria:
– Definitely fancy
– One more drink, maybe
– Not really my cup of tea
– Oh dear, never mind
– Never in a million years
At the end of the event, both men and women turn in their scorecards along with a list of their favorites. The speed dating hosts will then contact each participant within 24 hours to let them know if they have any matches. If not, you receive a courtesy e-mail and wishes for better luck at the next event.
On this particular night, by the time the first round of mini dates began, most of the guests were working on their second or third cocktail. But no matter how much liquid courage was sipped, four minutes could feel like an eternity if there was a lack of interest in the eyes of the person across the table.
There was a brief break for guests to mingle before completing the final round. While some replenished their drinks, others remained seated or went to talk to a particular date to help ensure a potential match in the making.
It was obvious that some women were not interested in any of the men in attendance, but most were good sports and stayed for the duration — unlike one gentleman who left in the middle of the event, leaving women “dateless” as the four-minute dating cycle resumed. Still, by the end of the evening, every participant had an opportunity to go on at least a dozen mini-dates.
Amy, a 28-year-old woman who works in the music publishing business said this was her first speed dating event and that she received four potential matches. “You have to go in with an open mind,” she says, “You can’t have too high of expectations. Just have fun and see where it goes.”
"Hey party people! This is Young with another exciting event blog post! So not too long ago, I detached myself from a way-too-looooong relationship of 5 years and entered a wonderous world of single-dom. And if you’re anything like me, it’s been very liberating and quite enjoyable to say the least. Have been a man-hater for the past 5 months, I now realized I actually missed having some testosterone in my life. I tried the whole bar/club night scene for a while and realized that there weren’t much substance there. Sure my friends had friends, but no one I’d concider in a million years… and to be honest, it was hard being picked up at the local art exhibits or the grocery store.
So the next best thing came knocking at my door one day and I jumped at the opportunity… Speed Dating!
You hear about these things in movies (40 Year Old Virgin), through stories, but never did I think I would want to try it. I did it for the pure joke of it, while I still could. It sounded like fun! I called up another single girlfriend of mine and we went, hand in hand, completely nervous and out of our minds. After a shot and a few cocktails, we loosened up and learned that it wasn’t half as bad (Oh, how I love alcohol!) We expected to see complete losers… No way! There were about 17 dudes, a whole variety of them, from successful business engineers, to computer tech geeks (whom were more fun to talk to), and there was that one guy that didn’t have a job, ahem. To my surprise, many of them weren’t that bad looking! Unfortunately (or maybe it was a good thing personally), I didn’t make any love-connections, but I’m sure plenty of the other girls found a match or two. So here’s how it goes…
This classy event (requires a pre-charge of only $38) didn’t require stupid name tags, annoying whistles, or a loud host yelling “Times UP!” This was chic British style. Our host had a very british accent and was super charming. She made us feel completely comfortable and at ease, although at times it was a bit hard to understand her. This company circulates thru different hot spots in LA and other cities. This time it was hosted at the beautiful Geisha House. All the ladies were seated at their own tables and we were all given score cards to mark one another from “I love him!” to “Not In a Million Years.” While the women stay seated, the men rotates from table to table, how nice is that? We each get 7 min to get to know one another and at the end the cards are collected and you are done. The entire event flies by so quick and is so fast paced, that you don’t realize that 2 hours has gone by. After the hosts review your cards and if you and the other score each the same, he is requested to contact you via email within 24-48 hours. Simple.
To sum things up… I had a great experience. There’s a first time for everything, and I completely recommend this for any single individual looking to hook up. It’s very legit and very possible! Sorry no interesting photos. I did plan on posting this event on the blog, but decided not to snap a photo with every guy, thinking it might freak him out and give him the wrong impression of me.
Hope you guys understand. Either way, hope you enjoyed it! "
Less than 10 weeks after the introduction of legal recreational marijuana sales in Colorado and we already have a speed dating event for people who partake. SpeedDenver Dating is hosting a 420-friendly series at Vinue Food & Wine Bar in Cherry Creek North — an offshoot of its UK-styled speed dating business in Los Angeles, MyCheekyDate.
“For those who do partake, it’s important their partner or potential partner do that as well,” said Tina Allman, the MyCheekyDate office manager who oversees events in 18 cities throughout the U.S. and Canada. “It’s a nice icebreaker, and it’s nice going into a group knowing that that question’s off the table.”
SpeedDenver had posted a 420-friendly event in February that was rescheduled because of weather — for 8 p.m. April 8 at Vinue (the cost is $42). It might be perfect timing for a 4/20 connection. “We posted it in the first place because we got requests,” said Allman. “We’ve been hosting events across the country for seven years. We’re a bit on the cheeky side. We don’t offer specialized events all that often, but we got so many requests for a pot-friendly event in Colorado that we thought it would be a fun thing to do. It’ll be interesting to see what kind of crowd comes in.”
MyCheekyDate’s events are known for being casual, chic and informal, according to user reviews. And perhaps most importantly, the company will have an even number of men and woman at the 420-friendly event — regardless of pot’s patriarchal stereotype. “We’ve already had a great response,” said Allman. “Usually our events are 15-20 guys, 15-20 girls. We don’t like to do much more than that, because it can be overwhelming to meet so many people over the same night. If this one is successful, we could do one a month, especially in the warmer months.
“I’m surprised at the female response. I thought (there would be more men than women interested), but right now the female response is higher than the male response. Women are more shy to ask than men, and that’s likely why.” What kind of reaction is Allman’s company hearing exactly? “People seem to be appreciative that we’re offering it,” she said. “Some find it funny or embarrassing. It’s still kind of taboo to some people. Some have asked if they can partake at the venue, but we can’t do that because we’re not in a private space. But that would be nice, and maybe down the line we could look at other opportunities where partaking could happen on site. “But mostly they’re glad it’s a question they don’t have to ask. They want to ask it, but they’re still shy.”
You can’t hurry love. But let’s get real here: You’ve been waiting how many years for fate to throw you a bone and match you up with “the one”? Quit the waiting game and join the dating game with MyCheekyDate, which hosts regular local events that will have you paired up in a jiffy.
The Vibe
“Speed dating” is that corny thing your mother told you she read about in a magazine. MyCheekyDate, however, reinvents the rapid meet-and-greet wheel by throwing away geeky name tags and instead providing a swank hotspot backdrop. You sit down while your potential suitors rotate around the room. Note the ones you’ve had a connection with, and bingo — insta-boyfriend. (Well, after the getting-to-know-you bit, of course.)
The Offer
Get away from the depersonalization of online dating without wasting your time or sacrificing selection. MyCheekyDate is known to attract a sophisticated clientele, so hop onto this Deal for three tickets: Fly solo three times in a row, or invite two friends along to the next event. Which, yes, you may have to wait a short time for but, trust us, is definitely worth it.
Speed NY Dating, a British company that opened a second operation in NYC, claims to bring a certain European sophistication to the speed dating scene. Low-key and chic are the names of its game; each event is held at fancy restaurants or hotel lounges, and absent are the telltale name tags. Plus the management readily intervenes if a certain participant forgets their manners and starts to throw off the vibe. Events are exclusively for the twenties to thirties crowd.
MyCheekyDate offers stylish dating services in a cosmopolitan setting. Whether you are craving an exciting night out, dipping your toes back into the dating pool or are simply new to the city and looking to meet other singles, MyCheekyDate Dating has you covered. During the event, relish six to eight minutes per date in which you flirt, chat and get to know the intriguing person sitting across from you. Saunter up to the bar for a drink and feel free to mingle as long as you like. If you find a compelling companion, jot his or her name on your 'Date Mate' scorecard and MyCheekyDate will exchange your information within 24 hours, taking all the pressure of your shoulders. Sip cocktails as you socialize with your beau to be.
Some singles who look for love in Los Angeles face certain challenges. Meeting strangers at a bar rarely leads to lasting love, trying to date within your social circles can be difficult if you already know everyone, and online dating can be as time consuming as a full-time job. So what's a single person to do?
Recently, I found an answer.
Chevrolet partnered with MyCheekyDate to form the Chevrolet Drive N’ Date. This event was similar to traditional speed dating, but with a twist. Instead of daters sitting at tables, they met their potential matches in the backseat of eleven different Chevy cars, ranging from an electric model, The Chevrolet Volt, to a luxury sedan, the Cadillac SRX. Basically, “A” would remain in the car, and “B” would hop inside. They would go for a spin around the block, and once they returned to the starting point, “B” would be swapped for another dater.
The event was held at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills, and all of the daters there had come dressed to impress. Although the Drive N’ Date was a one-time event, I learned a lot about the speed dating process that night. After speaking with the majority of the men there, I learned that many had participated in speed-dating several times before, and that after their first event, they were asked to come back, free of charge. Their theories were that more women signed up for speed-dating, and thus there were extra slots for the men to fill. (One dater noted, however, that he was the only one of his male friends to ever get asked back, which makes me think that this opportunity only happens in special circumstances.)
“The first time I ever tried speed dating, it was because a friend dragged me. I ended up having fun, and when they asked me to come back, I figured, “Why not?”” Mark,* an investment broker, said. “Tonight’s event is the eighth time I’ve speed dated, and I prefer this to online dating because it’s an easy way to meet lots of people. Plus, you can instantly tell whether or not there is chemistry.” This explains the benefits for men, but why is speed dating as popular with females as Ladies Night at the club?
One reason is that women tend to go to these events in groups. They are there to look for dates, but also they see it as a fun girls’ night out, which makes sense. MyCheekyDate hosts their events at chic locations, everyone at the event is dressed to the nines, and the food and liquor available are top-notch. “Why go to a club and wade through a sea of creeps, when you can go speed dating and meet single, like-minded people in a relaxed environment?” advertising executive Janet* said.
While speed dating is not perfect (a few said that events did not yield any “real dates” and that some mini-dates, despite the short length, dragged on), the participants at the Chevrolet Drive N’ Date believed speed dating was a good alternative or supplement to online dating.
“I wasn’t meeting new people so I tried online dating, but I found online dating to be too time-consuming—looking through dozens of profiles, writing up emails, taking strangers out on first dates… So when I tried speed dating for the first time, I was hooked,” screenwriter Ethan said. “If I don’t find anyone tonight, I’m definitely coming back.”
If you read my last post, you might have seen that I have vowed never to blog about my love/dating life.
Well, guess what? Today I am, because I make the rules and I can change them if I want to. Why, you may ask? Uh, because I went speed dating this week, and chances are, you're probably curious about what that is/whether it was fun and if you should try it, and I've got your back. You're welcome. I did it for you. Also, this story involves complete strangers, and therefore, is unlikely to come back to haunt me. (Note: I've taken measures to protect the some of the innocent, stupid, and/or ridiculous people I met last night. As in, I conveniently forgot their names.)
Rewind two weeks: I'm hanging out with some girlfriends and one of them mentions how she saw a groupon-like deal for speed dating. In my head, I said, "What an utterly ridiculous idea, I should blog about that!". Aloud I said, "Wouldn't it be fun if we all did that?" Obviously, everyone agreed because we all bought them the very next day. I vowed to go in with an open mind, and if I didn't come out of it with a date, I'd at least have a good story.
Fast Forward to last night: My girlfriends and I show up to Xino in Santa Monica, dressed up, and ready to make snap judgments about the eligibility of strange men. We were each assigned a number and given a card with three columns printed on it. In column 1, you wrote the number of the guy you're dating, in column 2 his name, and in column 3, what you ranked him on scale from "Maybe, let's have one more drink" to "Never in a million years" (no joke, it said that on the scale).
After mingling at the bar for a bit, we all sat down at a long table, where there was an empty chair next to each woman. The men sat down next to us and we'd chat for four minutes each, and then the guys would get up and move one seat down. Bear in mind, if you have any people skills whatsoever, four minutes goes by really fast, so theoretically, there's not enough time for it to get awkward if you don't hit it off.
So, to be perfectly honest, I don't think I met my soul mate at speed-dating (I can feel the disappointment in all of your eyes), but I did come out of it with new friends and a renewed appreciation for people with superb conversational skills. Count your blessings, people.
That said, it was a really classy, well run event. It was fun, there were appetizers, and the hostesses were lovely (and all foreign model/actress types). In case you are interested in trying out this lark, here's the link: https://www.mycheekydate.com
Dating is complicated for any generation, but millennials must contend with the double-edged sword of technology. According to a Singles in America study from Match.com, 22 percent of millennials are more likely to feel that tech has made finding love harder.
In the interest of giving all the left- and right-swiping a rest, we sent Adam Lukach, RedEye reporter, and Sadé Carpenter, RedEye deputy editor, on a speed dating mission. This is their story.
Dating background
Adam: After a yearslong relationship recently ended, I have returned to dating in earnest for the first time since 2013. Or at least I’ve tried. In just the last few years, the different digital avenues available for dating have changed dramatically, and every option comes with its own learning curve. Plus, I’m not the bargoer at 28 that I was at 23, which diminishes a regular meeting spot. In any case, my results from Bumble, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel have been mixed, at best. Instead of actual results with other human beings, I’ve spent more time instead considering how my photos look, what my bio says (and doesn’t say) and should I display my top Spotify artists? Variables stack up quickly. The process can be draining, especially with your phone at your fingertips. I feel like there’s a very relatable gray area between “I want to meet someone” and “I don’t want to deal with all this extra nonsense.”
Sadé: I consider myself perpetually single. My last official relationship ended a few weeks before Thanksgiving in 2013 (I just pulled up some old emails to confirm the date, and I’m definitely saving them for my memoir) and I’ve dated here and there in the years since without falling in love or meeting anyone who left a significant impact on my life. There was the conservative preacher’s son I caught in a lie; the sensitive budding filmmaker who was kind and sweet, but ultimately not long-term relationship material; the social activist f---boy — the list goes on. I’ve tried the apps but, like Adam, have gotten mixed results. I swipe, we match, we message, one of us ghosts. Or, I swipe, we match, we never message at all. I completely relate to the gray area Adam mentioned. On one hand, I’d love the companionship or even a very consistent friend with benefits, but I’m also content in my singledom. I’m used to it, despite the societal pressure that comes with being unmarried and childless at 32. Like Jamila Woods sang, “I’m not lonely, I’m alone. And I’m holy by my own.”
Pre-event
Sadé: I’ve always wanted to try speed dating, which seemed perfect for a Valentine’s Day story. We found MyCheekyDate on Eventbrite, and I was intrigued by the description. It’s billed as a “low key, sophisticated approach to dating in Chicago.” The booking process was super easy — we bought our tickets, received a confirmation email and waited. For some reason, I never thought of how heteronormative traditional speed dating is: It’s all straight men going from table to table to meet straight women. In our cases that’s fine, but I did start to think about how inclusive and welcoming an environment it could be.
Adam: Absolutely. That was one of the first things we realized during the pre-event process: These events cast a wide net – even our age range was between 24 and 38 – and there is no telling what kind of group you’ll wind up at your event. My straight, white, cis, male social profile is the most common there is, so I found many potential matches at the event, but those looking for a “less common” social profile might find some of these events frustrating in their scope of potential partners.
The night of
Adam: Without being sure what to expect, I was definitely nervous prior to the event. The prospect of packing a “date” into six-minute segments felt stressful enough even if it went well, let alone if it was going poorly. Ironically, choosing an outfit felt like the easiest part of the exercise for me: black sweater, black pants and loud sneakers, which is pretty much my go-to fit for most Saturday evenings out. The event offered little in terms of dress code, though, so we had to figure that ourselves.
Sadé: My day before speed dating was pretty normal — I worked out, had brunch with my sister and then wandered around looking for something new to wear, unsuccessfully. I think I tried on at least three different outfits before choosing a black sweater, skirt and booties. Casual cute. The event was originally supposed to be at Suite Lounge (sexy vibe) but was moved to Old Crow Smokehouse (country vibe) so I wasn’t thrilled about that. I was glad Adam and I were in it together, though, because I started feeling a little anxious about the night.
The main event
Sadé: Speed dating took place upstairs, so there were regular folks downstairs drinking and eating when I walked in. A woman explained how the night would work and Adam and I chatted at the bar while we waited for it to fill up. I was pleasantly surprised by the range of ethnic backgrounds among the other daters — there were several Indian men and way more black women than I expected, as I thought I’d be the only one in a room of white people.
I sat down and waited for all the men to make their way from table to table. The organizer said the 5-7 minutes we’d have with each person would go by quickly, and she was right. I not-very-creatively asked a lot of the potential matches if they’d done speed dating before, where they worked, etc. I wrote down mini descriptions next to their names on my Date-Mate Scorecard to help me remember them: John*, works in sales, striped tie. Mark, black coat, bank. Javier, brain cancer researcher. I didn’t feel sparks with anyone and some of the prospects’ jobs were more interesting than they were — I really wanted to learn more about this funeral director’s work, but, alas, our time was up — but it felt nice and less superficial to chat with people I’d ordinarily left-swipe.
After about two hours, I’d had mini dates with about a dozen men. I now had to choose my top five picks of the night. If one or more of the men I chose also chose me, then we’d have a match.
(*names changed to protect the innocent)
Adam: My reactions were mostly the same as Sade’s. I was surprised and happy to see a crowd of decent diversity, the time went much quicker in practice than in theory, and it was refreshing to chat with people whom I might otherwise not approach or contact.
My experiences were a bit different, however, with the exception of the “So, is this your first time doing this?” being the go-to ice-breaker. Everyone used that. To avoid perceptions of being rude, and because I felt like everyone could see my Score Card, I limited my notes to people’s names and a dot (or not) next to it, depending whether I was interested. And, while apparently most of my male counterparts had attended speed-dating before, I had not, putting me in the minority of the men there, according to the women I spoke with throughout the evening. For whatever reason, being a rookie seemed to play better than being a veteran.
Everyone was polite and kind, thankfully, and many of my mini-dates agreed that it helped to all be there for the same reason. That helped remove any potentially confusing pretense, as both parties were aware of the other’s “evaluation process,” so to speak, and the potential desire for a date. My results were also mixed: One of the women whom I wrote down – I thought we had a lovely conversation – left in the middle of the event, and I never heard from her as a match, so she clearly had a different experience both in our conversation and the event as a whole. I hit it off with several women talking about pop culture and Chicago, but, like Sadé, the spark-count was relatively low.
However, I did have one mini-date that turned in a match. Amber and I hit it off almost immediately, chuckling a bit about how she didn’t need to write anything down to remember which dates were good and which were not, then segueing into a more traditional “first date” type of conversation. From almost the moment we began talking, I felt more chemistry with her than I had throughout the entire of the evening, and she later confirmed the same. This would certainly be a major plus of speed dating: being able to evaluate your connection with a person, in-person, tapping straight into that “hard to measure” chemical quality without too much fumbling or guesswork.
Afterglow
Adam: So, yeah, I had one match from the evening, and, to be honest, I only wrote down three names instead of five at the end, because I didn’t feel that extra chemistry with many of my matches. In the future, I might consider being more open minded at the end of the evening. Still, it worked out for me. The next morning, I received an email alerting me that my top match Amber wrote down my name as well, which was as validating as it was exciting. The organizers gave me her email, I reached out later that day, and we’ve been on one successful date since then! While the experience provided a limited pool of people and required a two-hour commitment on a Saturday night, I can say for sure that speed dating can be a successful experience, something I certainly didn’t expect to be able to say on my first try.
Sadé: I was a little … bewildered to learn I didn’t get a match and it was a slight blow to my ego. And I know it’s purely ego since I didn’t feel a love connection with anyone, but there’s that whole juvenile I-don’t-like-you-but-I-still-want-you-to-like-me thing. I told a new friend how I was feeling, and I love her theory: “Maybe in this case they could tell you weren't feeling it, so it was a self-protection effort to not get rejected by you.” I don’t know if it’s true, but I’m going with it, anyway. Ego, remember? I’d still try speed dating again and I’m genuinely happy Adam made a match — if it could only be one of us, I’m glad it was him. Meanwhile, I’ll keep livin’ single and use it as an opportunity to meet new people, embark on new adventures and continue the endless work of loving myself. If nothing else, I’m getting lots of material for that memoir.
SpeedNY brands itself as "American speed dating with an English touch." It's more laid back and relaxed than typical speed dating in the U.S., thanks to a forbidding of stop watches, whistles, and anyone yelling "time's up!" So, if those are all the things that turned you off of speed dating, then SpeedNY might be one to try.